Subconscious Saboteur: How to Stop Self Sabotaging Relationships

Estimated Reading Time: 5 minutes

88% of Americans consider ‘love’ to be a very important factor in long-term relationships. That seems like a no-brainer and you love your partner. But why does it seem like every good relationship you’ve had goes sour?

When you can’t blame it on your significant other, your job, or the stars it’s time to consider the fact that you may be the one self sabotaging relationships. Luckily we can get to the bottom of the problem and set you on the path to a healthy, happy relationship.

Understand How Your Are Self Sabotaging Relationships

You can’t expect to make a change without first understanding the problem. Often times our behaviors, even when negative, are done subconsciously. But even if you don’t notice immediately, consistently going through breakups in otherwise great condition can be a warning sign.

Common Reasons for Self Sabotaging a Relationship

  • Instilling unrealistic expectations of the relationship and of your partner
  • Avoiding any and all conflicts
  • Addictive behaviors that come between you and your partner
  • Believing it’s their problem, not yours
  • Insecurities and obsessing over small changes
  • Expressing your fear of lost control by becoming overly controlling
  • Neglecting your partner by requiring the attention always fall on you 

While these behaviors won’t cause an automatic breakup, they will slowly build toxicity and cause the relationship to crumble over time. If you have identified yourself with one of the above characteristic behaviors, or think you have another that falls in line with being self sabotaging, read on.

Access Your Behavior, Sans Judgement

That’s right. Time to kick judgment to the curve before it kicks you while you’re down. Take a moment to notice. Notice how you react, how you interact, and how you present yourself.

Notice any trends? Take note. But do it without judgment. 

Identify Your Triggers and Learn How to Handle Them

Could a childhood experience be the reason for your current reactions? It might seem like a stretch in your eyes, but it is a sound argument.

Our childhood experiences, especially the traumatic ones, can cause us to react in a specific way as adults.

If you react with intense emotions in certain situations it’s best to retrace your timeline and identify what in your past could be triggering your emotional response. Understand when these triggers are sparked that you will react in a similar fashion and try to avoid those situations.

Observe and Note When You are Most Susceptible to Self Sabotaging

Locations, similarities, and even weather can cause a person to be more susceptible to a specific level of reactivity. Take special care to note if your partner reminds you of a previous person in your life, romantic partner or not, that left a negative impression.

Acknowledge it within yourself that you are being presented with a situation that sparked reactivity and then take a step back.

Get to the Root of Your Behaviors

Do you behave a certain way as a bad habit picked up from your parents? Look back through the years of your childhood at the relationships you observed and the environment you grew up in. This can have a lasting effect on the way you react in a relationship as an adult.

Connecting with others can be rough on your pursuit of happiness, especially when it comes to securing a life partner, as you will face plenty of potential triggers and situations that cause a rise of negative behavior. But by understanding where your behaviors originate from it will be easier to identify when you are falling into that same behavioral trend and make efforts to correct it.

It Doesn’t Always Have to Be This Way

Congratulations, you are taking the first step to change unhealthy, self sabotaging relationship habits for the better. By accessing how you may be self sabotaging relationships and learning how to make changes, you can alter your behavior and step into a healthy partnership with new eyes. Don’t miss out on your happily ever after due to your own self sabotaging. 


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